This Is Me

There I was, in the emergency room surrounded by a stroke team hooking me up to monitors as fast as they could. Telling me I was going to be okay, just relax, sometimes this happens to 28 year old females.

Anxiety, Depression… words I had heard so many times, but never wanted to place them anywhere near my name. Three kids in 3.5 years did something to my brain I couldn’t control any longer, and sure couldn’t make sense of any of it either. I was embarrassed, I fought so hard to stay off any medication. I am a Christian woman, I can just pray through this! Or so I thought.

So there I found myself, 6 months after having our little lady not able to talk or control my whole left side. Twenty eight seemed awfully young for this sort of thing, but I found out that day I could not longer run from the anxiety inside of me. I was still stubborn and wanted to do everything I could to deal with this naturally. I went through so many blood draws and tests after my mini stroke to see why I was feeling so tired and sick but nothing was showing anything. Big things like MS and Cancer were thrown out but luckily not detected. I was so sick of feeling terrible. I didn’t have time for this, I wasn’t enjoying my sweet babes and life.

I felt the urge to get out of the storefront in Parker and focus my energy online. Another very hard decision for this Enneagram 3. I felt the Lord telling me a season of change was coming and I needed to focus my energy elsewhere.

I was continuing the grueling tests a couple months later and still nothing had been found. Then, one Sunday afternoon as I rocked our baby girl in our chair,  I felt instantly nauseous at the smell of dinner cooking. I knew I was pregnant (and no this wasn’t why I had the stroke, this came a couple months after). Here me loud, the Lord BLESSED us with these beautiful babies and we are so grateful. HOWEVER, we felt like our family was complete, at least I felt like I was done having and carrying babies. :)

My depression became worse than ever, like a million pounds of bricks on me. I was having anxiety attacks more regularly and feeling numb to everything around me. I wasn’t myself and my husband said it was time to get on some meds and talk to my doctor.

So I did.

I was so incredibly sick for the first week on them and had the worst migraines ever. I almost gave up, but then they started really doing their job and I was once again myself. My doctor also assured me over and over again that this was for sure safe with the new pregnancy and highly suggested them in my mental state I was in. But do not let me fool you, I was incredibly scared taking them and felt so guilty. I think I asked at every checkup if it was okay.

You see, I was tired. I was tired of emotionally fighting against myself all day. Anxiety is confusing like that. You know you shouldn’t be feeling this way, yet you cannot crawl out of the hole, you cannot control what is happening in your brain, you cannot reason with the crazy. The hormones had taken over my body and I didn’t know what was up or down. My anxiety made me feel like I couldn’t make decisions or make sense of anything around me. It was hard to even think.

Friends, I tell you this to let you know it is okay that you feel this way, you are NORMAL.  Go to counseling or maybe talk to your doctor about a medication that would help. It is okay to ask for help. Find a good group of friends and women who can check up on you. Ask for help. Lean into others. I know this isn’t easy, but it is so needed. I am so thankful for my husband who checked in and pushed me to ask for medical help. I am so thankful for a doctor who listened. I am so thankful for a group of friends surrounding me in a prayer.

I continue to pray every day asking God to heal my brain, to control my anxiety and for myself to take every thought captive knowing I have the power to control them. I take control of my day by having a routine. Lighting a candle, making my coffee, digging in the prayer and quiet time with the Lord to start my day on the right foot.

Please, if you are feeling this way, reach out. Talk to your doctor, talk to your loved ones, know you are not alone.

If you would like to hear more about my story and business, please check out this podcast with Rebekah Scott.

I was so apprehensive about talking about this, but we all need more vulnerability in our life and more love for one another. After the podcast had come out in the fall, I had more messages than I could keep up with of women going through the same things and just feel like I need to write this to you sweet people.

In Christ’s Love,

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